[knock on door]
[Man] Coming!
I'm coming as fast as I can!
Hey! What's up, man?
What's up, dude?
Sorry, I'm late.
No problem.
So, I'll go get my suit.
You bring the spare board?
Oh, bro, no, I didn't. I forgot it.
But you know what?
I got something else you can ride.
Aw, dude, I got you all wet.
Maybe we should get you out of those clothes, bro.
Dude...I got a girlfriend.
Does she know you mess around with dudes,
or are you just some big closet case?
Maybe you're confused.
Or maybe you like playing confused.
I-I don't know.
[mocking] I don't know what I am.
You're so sexy when you stammer.
You're good.
Yeah.
I play confused.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm straight.
Mostly.
[panting]
No, rip open my shirt.
Sir, yes, sir.
Strip.
[scoffs] Amateur.
[moaning]
[grunts] Less teeth, more tongue.
This is how you do it.
[moaning] Oh, that feels so good.
God, I love your tits. [Woman] Stop calling them tits.
I want to eat your tits all day.
Stop calling them tits. I love your tits.
Stop calling them tits! Sorry.
I love your breasts. I want to fuck your breasts.
[moaning] Shane, sweetie...
Are you having that gay fantasy again? [sighs]
Honey, it's not you.
It's... Well, it's you.
What's wrong if I want to see a little boy-on-boy in the bedroom?
Nothing, I guess, if you're a gay man.
Close enough. But you can't expect me
to go gay every time you want to have sex.
I don't want you to be gay, just...gayer.
So, you want me to get it on
with another guy in front of you?
Well, in front of, on top of, yeah.
Gwen, I'm not gay. I'm not bi.
I'm a heterosexual breeder.
And if you can't accept that, then we probably shouldn't be dating.
How can you be so homophobic?
You're ridiculous.
Oh, don't even think you're breaking up with me.
I'm breaking up with you. Huh?
I've sat in millions of bedrooms
and listened to millions of boys
tell me they're leaving me for the pole.
I'm not going to sit here and have one leave me for pussy!
What? I'm leaving you, Shane!
Go not suck all the dick you want! Yeah?
And you keep laying that pride parade march right on through your crotch!
Gay-basher! Tits, tits, tits, tits, tits!
Crazy fuckin' doesn't know what she wants--
[sighs]
Stop the spread of faggotry.
Fag. I wish!
I told you this was gonna happen. I know, Kyle.
That's all you've said from day two:
"You're too hot, Marc. You're gonna leave me." And look how right I was.
You weren't right, Kyle.
Your puppy-dog eyes and goofy charm turned me on, but you wouldn't believe it.
How could I believe it when you flirt with everyone?
I don't flirt with everyone.
I just...like making friends.
Well, did you have to befriend every member of the gymnastics team
and Alpha Gamma Testes?
God, it's like you're only happy
when you think you can't have me.
I wouldn't be jealous if you went out and made some hot friends.
See? I'm too boring for you.
You want a boyfriend who's all social and hangs out
with confident, sophisticated guys like...him.
Hey, Sebastian. Who's this?
Who are you? He's here for emotional support.
I'm supposed to be your emotional support.
But you're too emotional.
[moaning]
Fags.
So, what, it's been about... [smacking lips]
five days since you last jerked off?
Wow, you're good.
[chuckles]
Thanks, Eric. That was fun.
No. Thank you, Teri.
Tiffani.
And I think this is yours. [spits]
Well, have fun fucking his puppy-dog eyes
and goofy charm.
I hope someday you can see past everything you don't like about yourself
and realize we had something special.
Wow. That was Hallmarky, Marc, even for you.
[scoffs]
Stop the spread of faggotry.
[sighs]
Okay, just because we used to date the same loser
doesn't mean we have to be all cunty to each other.
You're right. Truce?
Oh, I'm s--
[whimpering] What's wrong?
I just...
I don't want to be a slut anymore.
I want a boyfriend.
[sobbing]
I just really wish Caleb was still here.
Is that the heterosexual you were trying to sleep with?
No. Well, yes.
He was my roommate who I used to want.
Your roommate dumped you?
No, my boyfriend dumped me.
My roommate isn't here to help me through this.
So, is your roommate the gay one or the straight one?
You're not listening to me. My boyfriend's gay,
and not just that, he's the hottest gay I will ever make it with.
Honey, you're gonna make it with plenty of hotties.
Mom, it's not even that. He's gonna find a new boyfriend first, and I'm gonna be alone.
You are not going to be alone.
There are plenty of rainbow fish in the sea.
Ha-ha. Plenty of cocks in the henhouse.
Mom! Plenty of freshmen ass in the locker room.
Ew, Mom!
Kyle, I am really trying here.
I know, Mom. Thanks.
Do you have any idea what it's like to be a gay man trapped inside a woman's body?
My God, you have no idea.
Well, there's, like, five gay men trapped inside me,
and they're all greasy and having sex with each other
and just trying to fuck their way out.
Send me an X-ray.
Why are you being all Fiona Apple?
I broke up with Shane. He's single?
Hands off, cock-monger.
[laughs] I'm kidding.
What is it with straight guys and their aversion to sucking dick?
I just got dumped.
What is with gay guys wanting to suck everyone's dick?
Yeah, I heard. I'm so sorry. Thanks.
Sorry you're a psychopath.
I say this with my trademark sweetness,
but you do know that Marc was the best thing that will ever happen to you?
Hey, I'm a catch. Says who? Your mom?
Other people do, too.
I just...
I just want to hear "I love you"
instead of "Take it, you tight little snatch."
Hi, Mr. Thompson. Tiffani.
Oh, I love your pastel paisley halter
with the chiffon inlet overlay.
My wife has one just like it.
[mouths words] Okay, class.
Fingertips.
I don't know how many of you
are sick to death with still life,
but if I see another fruit, I'm gonna have a hissy. [apple thuds]
I think it's time that we tried something
a little more...dangerous.
[door opens] Class,
meet Troy.
[laughing] [door closes]
Ta-da! [chuckling]
Troy's going to model for us today.
Nude.
Troy is a veterinarian major
who has just moved here, fresh,
from a little town in Illinois known as--
Oh, Troy.
[chuckling, muttering]
Troy from Troy. [laughs]
My parents didn't want me to forget where I was from.
How rustic.
He's got an accent. He looks like he spent his life
baling hay and milking things.
He looks like sex.
Well, um, Troy from Illinois.
[laughing, muttering]
Uh, whenever you, uh, feel inspired.
[laughing]
I, uh... [clears throat]
So, uh, where do you want me?
On my face.
[stammers] Right here on my desk.
And, uh, we'll get you in, um, several different positions.
Missionary, reverse cowgirl, 69.
Chalks to paper!
Oops. [giggles]
Dropped it. Guess I'll just ha--
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Permit me.
I wouldn't want you
to ruin anybody's art by moving.
Hi. [giggles]
Nice to meet you.
Same here.
Okay. I'm just...
Okay.
I want to hit that harder than Ike hit Tina.
Oh! I want to be wrapped in his arms forever and ever.
I want to see him get it on with his boyfriend.
You think he's gay?
Does Whitney want crack?
[gasps] Hey, there!
I didn't recognize you without your penis.
I had to leave it there. School property and all.
I'm Gwen.
The girl with the big boobs is Tiffani.
The guy with the small pe-- I'm Kyle.
Troy.
From Troy. Illinois.
[clears throat] Oh, are those your drawings?
Yeah.
This is mine. That's Kyle's, and Tiffani's.
I've never drawn one before, so I figured
that I would just focus on it.
Well, you're very generous. I'm a giver.
Aw, this one's incredible.
Thanks. You just spoke to me.
Are you an art major? No.
She's undeclared, which is practically the same thing.
Well, you should be.
How'd you get into nude modeling?
Well, I grew up in the country,
and no one's around, so I just go naked a lot.
Then I bought a Webcam. I'm so Googling you.
When I moved here, I found I can get paid to hang out naked.
I was like, "Sign me up!"
Next stop, porn.
How much does that ass of yours bring in?
Oh, 50 bucks a class. Porn pays way better.
Yeah, I'd just as likely do it for a case of beer or weed.
Ah, noted. When did you move here?
A couple weeks ago. All by your lonesome?
Yeah. I'll bet it was great.
Start over where no one knows your name.
You can do anything you want with whomever you want.
I guess.
Kind of miss my mom.
Oh, so you're close to your mom?
I miss both my parents,
but there's something about a mom, you know?
A boy needs none other than the love of his mother.
Yeah.
Hey, we were gonna go grab some coffee. You wanna come?
Ah, I got to get home. But thanks for the offer.
Maybe some other time? Someone waiting for you at home?
Uh, my roommate.
He's secretly in love with me.
I'll see you in class. Keep up the good work.
Oh, keep up the good penis!
[Man] Stop the spread of faggotry.
I totally thought he was a 'mo
till he made that lame straight-guy joke.
He's an enigma fucking a riddle fucking a mystery.
I love being single.
Stop the spread of faggotry.
But spreading is my favorite thing.
I'll be praying for you.
[Gwen] Hold that pose.
Would you boys do me a favor and just sit there for a minute?
Or 20?
But I want him out of here in five.
What's her story?
I, uh, used to flirt with this one,
but we never did anything 'cause I wasn't available.
So we're going to make up for lost time.
[door opens]
Man whore!
[door closes] [sighs]
Lucky bastard.
[Kyle] See that guy over there?
The studly rack of meat or your loser ex-boyfriend?
The meat rack. Marc pre-cheated with him and with a couple of other guys, too.
He pre-cheated? It's this thing that gays do.
The moment their relationship starts getting a little rocky,
they start lining up replacement sex partners.
The second they're single, it's, "Hey, remember me? You want some head?"
Your boyfriend's far too creampuff to cheat.
I didn't say he cheated. He pre-cheated.
God, you're paranoid. I know how his mind works.
If I were hot enough, I'd do the same thing.
I guess it's over.
Look what I found! Hey.
Troy! Nude guy!
So, Troy, the three of us are falling behind in art class, and we were wondering...
Do you have a preference?
Uh...
[coughing]
See? It works.
Now take off your clothes, damn it.
This is kind of weird.
No. Come on. We're just gonna draw, really.
So, did you leave someone special back home?
Nope.
That's probably good. Yep.
I've always wondered what it would be like to live on a farm.
I mean, what did you do for fun?
Mostly, we'd just drive around the strip on weekends
or-- or throw parties in some field.
I always liked the idea of being out among all the nature,
getting fucked in a rainstorm,
getting fucked in a tractor,
getting fucked in a...
[laughs] Can't say I did all that.
Well, where did you get fucked? I don't know.
Regular places. Bed.
My car. In the ass?
Excuse me?
Oops. I mean, boys or girls?
Uh...
Uh, I'm sorry. If you don't want to talk about this...
No, it's-- it's okay, I guess.
Girls,
mostly.
[gasping]
Why? Does that freak you out? Oh, honey, no.
I'm what they call a fag hag. So you are gay, then.
I am... I'm not gay. It's just...
Well, all kinds of people hit on me,
so I just kind of go along with it.
What the hell does that mean?
I like it.
I mean, we're all just people.
Just bodies with organic needs.
So, did you ever have a girlfriend? Sort of.
What about boyfriends?
Well, I-- I had this really close friend in high school.
But I never done much with a guy before,
'cause I want to get married and have kids.
Not that gay guys can't, 'cause they can.
It's just...
I don't know.
Being gay just seems like so much work. Amen, sister.
First, you have to tell everyone. That's no fun.
And then there's rejection. You're never hot enough.
STDs. If you're lucky.
There's this group-- Coming In.
I kind of wanna go check 'em out, 'cause I think they might fix me.
The antigays? Ex-gays.
Just like you, Kyle, right? What?
Kyle used to be gay.
[gasps] You two should hang out, get to know each other,
swap stories. [nervous chuckle]
You're an ex-gay?
[Kyle] Well...
You're, like, my idol.
I totally just wanna get inside of you and learn everything.
Uh...
Oh, my God!
You two are together, right?
Yes. Yes. Yeah.
We are boyfriend and girlfriend.
God, I knew it!
You're always together, but I wasn't sure.
It must've been the... The fact that I act so faggy?
And you're really straight now?
As a cucumber.
God! No wonder I felt so comfortable with you two.
How long you been together? Uh...
a few months. Yeah.
And it's true love. Open up, my little sex monkey. Oh! Oh, God!
[nervous laugh] [forced laugh]
You're comfortable that he used to...
Smoke sausage?
You know, we've all got skeletons in our closet.
His are just more well hung. And how's that going for you?
Well, how do you think it's going for him? Look at me. I'm perfect.
Yeah. Yeah, she's awesome.
Oh! He especially loves my titties. [shudders]
Breasts!
So, what are the meetings like?
Oh, uh, you know, I've never been to this chapter. I don't--
Oh, my God. Would you do me the biggest favor? Of course I'd do you...
You have to take me to one of these meetings. There's one tomorrow.
You could be, like, my-- my sponsor or whatever.
You know, honey, do it.
It might do you some good to renew your vows to heterosexuality.
Not that he doesn't ride me every night.
[chuckles]
Uh, okay.
It's a date! [chuckles]
I'll be right back. I have to go use the head.
What the hell just happened?
We just got you laid by Troy from Illinois.
You made me into an ex-gay. Those are my least favorite kinds of gays.
Grow some nuts. Do you think he would've been
remotely interested in you if you were just another gay guy?
Listen to me.
I don't have a chance in this godforsaken world
of wrapping my lips around his 40 acres and a mule, but you do.
So you're saying he'll let me have sex with him because I'm not gay?
You heard him. You'll be his new close friend.
Since you're straight, you'll get to hang out with him.
You'll support him in all those straight emo bonding ways
until, eventually,
all his repressed passion explodes!
Right down your throat.
This is sick. You're both sick!
You think it could work?
Damn!
Hey.
No way.
I'm so nervous. It's okay.
You'll be fine.
What are you doing? Straight-male bonding. Just have fun.
[chattering]
Hi.
[Men] Hi.
I'm Octavio. [Man] Octavio.
Introductions lead to conversations,
lead to invitations of intercourse with the wrong persuasion.
I'll do the introducing.
What the hell do you want?
Oh, uh... We want to join.
I find that hard to believe.
Maybe we should leave. God believes me.
Well, I did pray for you.
I know.
Spooky.
I'm Jacob Buchanan, Coming In president.
This is Derek, Allan, Roy and, uh...
Violet.
Well, I'm Kyle, and... Troy.
[all] Hi, Troy. Hi.
Hello, Kyle. [Jacob] You do know
what we're all about here, right, at Coming In?
Well, yeah, but he doesn't need to be here.
He's a success story. [nervous chuckle]
Kyle's renouncing his sexuality?
What's going on? Are you sitting down?
Now, who'd like to speak first? Okay, I will.
I have some great news that is gonna change all of our lives.
I have been asked to present
the new ad campaign for Coming In National.
The board of directors, including my mom, is gonna be here next week,
and if they like my presentation,
which they will,
you're gonna see my posters
in high schools and college campuses
across the nation.
"Homo no more. Stop the spread of faggotry."
Now, I need you to repeat this slogan to every student across campus.
"Homo no more" is gonna become a national catchphrase.
Like, "Can you hear me now?"
Yeah, only more clever.
So, let's have a testimonial. Who wants to start?
I sucked a dick.
Shut up. Are you serious?
Like a fox. That's fabulous.
What was it like? Details.
Yeah, yeah. Well, tell us how it made you feel, Violet.
Well, I got really trashed
at the Up With Jesus kegger,
and this skinny guy
with dyed black hair and lipstick
asked if I wanted to do one of those upside-down keg shooters.
They started playing My Chemical Romance, so I took that as a sign.
Downed half the keg, and before I knew it, we were in the back of his mom's Saab--
choking on his dick,
my makeup smearing, I'm about to puke.
It was great.
I watched porn.
Straight porn. And I made sure it was Ron Jeremy,
so I wouldn't focus on his, um...
Yeah. Yeah.
And it was hot.
Good. Good.
Allan, how are things going with, um...
Was her name Leslie?
I think so. Yeah.
Uh, we went on a date.
And what happened on this date?
We went to this cute little Italian restaurant.
Service was great.
No. No, no. I meant physically.
Oh, well, um,
after dinner, we went back to her dorm.
Were you nervous? Oh, yeah.
Turned on? Well...
I'm trusting at some point you got turned on, right?
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
[chuckles]
Totally...turned on. Rock hard.
Tell me about that.
Uh, um, let's see. [chuckles]
We sat on her bed,
and she showed me this photo album she had
of this Japanese internment camp she had visited.
And we were balancing the book on our legs,
and her knee grazed my knee,
and that kind of got me going. [laughs]
And then?
Then?
She jumped on top of me.
Really?
And, uh, I let her kiss me and stuff.
Good! Good. Now, did she go for second base?
Run her hands up and down your smooth chest underneath your shirt?
A little.
Might not count. Why don't you show me?
Like...this, I guess.
[Jacob] But never the nipples? No.
On this date, did you think about men?
No. No. Never?
What about your locker room fantasy?
Thrusting jockstraps, towels snapping at your ass.
I never said anything about towels.
Well...
next week's assignment--
and I'm holding you to this-- is third base.
But what about the girl?
Leslie? Yeah, Leslie.
Shouldn't I respect her and stuff? Don't worry.
She's not gonna get pregnant.
All I'm asking for is one finger...
[swooshing sound] in her bush.
So, I'm fascinated to hear your guys's stories.
I'm not ready to talk yet.
But, uh, Kyle here has got a hottie girlfriend,
and they can't keep their hands off each other.
You...have a girlfriend? Mm-hmm.
And you used to be gay? Yeah.
Well, why don't you tell us, Kyle,
what brought about this amazing change?
Uh, my story...
Just speak from the heart, like Jesus would.
Well, I was...
pretty much born gay.
Mom said my first sentence was,
"Get those boobs out of my face," so...
Anyway, uh, I lived the gay lifestyle for a while,
and I dated a lot of guys.
A lot...of guys.
Just mens and mens and mens.
I mean, they were calling me all the time.
"Kyle, please have sex with me. Please!"
I was so popular. [Jacob] But then it began to take its toll.
See, you realized that gays--
they're not interested in getting to know you.
No, as soon as you put out, they vanish,
and then they never call you back when they say they're gonna call you back,
because they're out with some stud
when they say they should be in class!
I wouldn't say that.
Well, then, what exactly would you say, Kyle?
What brought about this amazing transformation?
Well, I got fed up
with the men and the sex and the fun,
the music and the apple martinis.
And just when I didn't know what else to do,
an angel from heaven above flew into my life.
A sexy 52-24-48 angel named Tiffani.
Is Tiffani a rhinoceros? Size doesn't matter.
What matters is, is that I fell in love, and I never looked back.
Oh, stop.
But what about the sex?
Oh, it's a piece of cake. I just say, "Kyle,
"take everything you love about Reese Witherspoon and project it
onto this girl who wants to be with you."
And now I can't get enough.
That's incredible.
Yeah, 'cause you seem really gay.
Not anymore. I'm telling you, there is nothing
like the smooth, wet, porcelain lips of the vagina
spreading and enveloping me,
squeezing against the head of my dick ever so firmly.
And that's nothing
compared to what it feels like to eat her out
and lap up all those fresh juices.
[coughing]
[snaps fingers]
Well, we look forward to seeing you both again.
Well, we both look forward to coming. ¶ ["Hallelujah Chorus"]
With girls. A little ex-gay joke.
Jesus now will be keeping an eye on you.
Hey! Stop the spread of faggotry.
[Man] Fuck off, man.
That was fun! That was nerve-racking.
Yeah, you were sweating like a suicide bomber on a summer jihad.
Man, I love your...
sense of humor.
Man, you really dig your pussy.
Yeah. So, what are you up to now?
I gotta go model for Mr. Thompson's art class.
Hey, uh, are we still on for tomorrow's game?
Go, local sports team!
[laughs]
This must be the right place. Hey.
Hey, I'm Marc, Professor Thompson's next top model.
But I use the word "top" loosely.
Wow, great body. Yeah, I know.
I meant you.
Oh. Oh, thanks.
You're, uh, supposed to wear it over your shoulders.
What? The robe.
Oh. Yeah.
Did you want some privacy? 'Cause I could come back.
No. No. I'm gonna be naked in front of 15 people.
You're easy. How would you know?
No, I-- I wouldn't.
Anyway, we're gonna be naked in front of 15 people.
Huh? We're posing together.
Seriously? You got a problem with that?
No, of-- of course not.
Are you gay?
Well, yeah. You got a problem with that?
N-No, I-- I don't have a problem with that.
I mean, you're not straight, are you?
Well...
Oh, my heck! Who-- Who are you?
Uh, I'm Marc, your model.
You are? Well, what about him?
You didn't request two models for today?
I have the Student Services req in here.
Nice.
What? What?
I can't find it.
I mean, I guess if you don't need two nudes today, I can leave.
Oh, n-n-- Okay, okay. I know what.
Yeah. 'Cause I-- I do need both-- both of-- both models.
[stammers] Nude. In five minutes.
[laughs] I'd forget head if it wasn't on top of me.
What? [stammering]
I would forget my head if it wasn't on top of me.
[laughs] My wife is always correcting my grammar.
You know I'm, uh...
[clears throat] I am, um-- I'm married.
I don't know if you know that. Oh, okay.
You guys...carry on. [laughs]
I'll, uh... I'll get the class ready.
So, what's your name again?
Troy.
And you're Marc.
With a C. Pretty gay, huh?
[chuckles] Yeah.
Look, dude, if you're worried about me looking at your dick, I can turn around.
But, I mean, don't sweat it. You're not my type.
I'm not?
No. Should you be? No, I guess not.
I mean, you're hot and all, but I like guys who can take charge.
Plus, your hair is too dark. And you're too tall.
[chuckles] Gee, thanks.
Just being honest with you. I think it's great-- types.
I mean, if we all wanted the same thing, might as well be straight.
Maybe not everyone knows what their type is.
True enough.
There was this one guy...
This sounds stupid, but when I met him,
I sort of saw something in his soul, like a light.
And physically, he was nothing like any of the guys I dated before.
But when I saw that light, I realized...
this is my type, too.
I asked him out, eventually.
That's deep.
Fuck you.
No, I'm serious. That's...
So, whatever happened to your soul man?
Doesn't matter.
Anyway, that's...
ancient history.
Hey, you need a workout buddy?
Yeah.
[Kyle] This feels horrible.
Stop shaking your ass so much. No, I mean lying to Troy.
Honey, men lie. And you're a man, technically.
Well, tonight, you better not forget to...
Fuck! Oh, honey, I never forget to fuck.
No, "fuck," as in...
Kyle.
Well, hey, boys, what's up?
Oh, you two know Marc?
I used to have a big crush on Kyle.
Didn't I? But he's not your type at all.
So, how do you two know each other?
We got naked together last night. What?
Yeah, we both model for Mr. Thompson.
Ah. Well, he's a regular Gus Van Sant.
Can I talk to you for a second?
You haven't fucked him yet.
Hey, I don't treat people like pieces of meat.
Well, you should. It's fun.
You do know he's gay, right?
Oh, God, I'm sorry. Is that against the rules?
Dude, that's the only fucking rule!
Keep away from hot gay guys unless they have girlfriends like me.
Okay, okay. Well, don't queen out about it.
Besides, he told me I'm not his type.
And you believed him?
I bet he told you he saw a light in your soul, too.
Kyle, I think your girlfriend's getting jealous.
Oh, please. She trusts me completely.
We're stronger than ever. In fact, we were just about to...fuck.
Whoa. Really?
Yeah. I can hardly keep my fingers off his big, hard stick,
especially when he's all... [inhales sharply]
sweaty from power walking.
I'll bet. Go for it.
What?
Stick your hand in his shorts.
Get him hard. Yeah.
No way. What? Aren't you straight anymore?
Of course I'm straight. I just don't think parading
my heterosexuality around in public is very polite.
Well, then, how about you two just kiss?
Yeah, that'd be hot. Yeah.
A kiss.
And use some tongue.
Unless you don't like kissing your girlfriend.
Oh, I love kissing my girlfriend.
Prove it.
Oh, why should...
Wow.
You two, get a room. Invite me over.
[car approaching]
[tires screech]
Kyle? Mom?
Kyle!
What are you doing here? I was just running errands.
Oh, baby, this is more than I could ever have hoped for!
This is wonderful! [chuckling]
You are a girl, right?
Mom, of course she's a girl. Would you please stop hugging me?
We hadn't told her yet. You don't understand.
I used to catch this boy masturbating with every vegetable in the fridge.
And now this! Oh!
Have you told that awful ex-boyfriend of yours yet?
Mom, I have a feeling that he already knows.
I have a feeling this is the funniest thing he's ever seen.
Well, I have a feeling that the childish things that he's doing are acts of jealousy.
In some small way, it's nice to know that he cares for a change.
Who gives a shit about him? I'm gonna be a grandma!
This is war! Marc is gonna rue the day he ever messed with me!
Wow, you almost seem like a top. Marc thinks he can get
whatever he wants just by taking his shirt off.
Maybe some guys don't want a hot, muscular stud who's confident with their sexuality.
Maybe some people think it's charming enough to pretend that you're sexually conflicted.
Some people like... Octavio.
Octo-what?
Oh, hi, honey. I'm Tiffani.
The rhinoceros? Excuse me?
Tiffani, this is Octavio from that group that I was telling you about.
Mmm. Rhinoceros?
I'll call you tonight.
Good luck not fucking each other.
So, Octavio.
[corrects pronunciation] Octavio. Octavio.
It's like you're saying a V and V at the same time.
Octavio. "B and B"?
V and V.
So, what are you doing here?
Your girlfriend's sexy. Thanks.
Nothing like I expected. So what are you saying? I'm not good enough for her?
No, I just... I didn't believe you.
Something about you screamed single...and lonely.
Well, as you can see, I'm clearly not.
And horny.
Horny.
You're-- You're hitting on me. Yes, I am.
[mouths words]
What about Homo No More?
I thought they straightened you out.
Yeah, but when I saw you at the meeting,
I sort of fell off my wagon.
Well, you didn't really have that far to fall. Shut up.
I must have you.
I have a feeling that this is against the rules.
It's okay. That bossy guy, Jacob, he breaks the rules all the time.
Wait. Jacob's gay? Of course.
One time he followed me into the bathroom at school
and started tapping his toes underneath the stall.
Anyways, enough about him.
Your lips taste like cherry.
It's my girlfriend's lip gloss.
Oh, Octavio. [corrects pronunciation] Octavio.
Well, I'm this way. Thanks for the jog.
Cool. Hey, you wanna come over tonight?
Uh, no, I can't. I'm gonna watch the game with Kyle and Tiffani.
Oh. Well, you guys have fun.
Hey, you wanna jog again tomorrow?
Maybe late afternoon? We can hang out afterwards.
That'd be great. Cool.
That's how we gays do it.
Hey, w-wasn't that awesome?
Yeah.
Kyle made his mom so happy.
What could they possibly have in common
besides wanting to be straight?
Well, they both have dicks that haven't been sucked today.
Thanks, Gwen.
You have nothing to worry about.
Kyle's nonthreatening. He's like...soy milk
or something you use when you run out of normal milk.
And you're cream-- gay cream.
Ew. Hold still!
What's up with all the drawing?
I don't know.
I like it. I'm kind of good at it.
Since when?
Since now.
I think I found my calling.
I barely think about sex anymore.
I just wanna draw it.
That's so not like you.
And you being all jealous isn't like you, either.
Look, it's simple. Troy is a blank canvas.
No, he's a sketch.
He's got all these lame ideas about what being gay is like,
but he needs you to come in and provide the horny details.
Ha-ha. And before you know it...
fine art.
[grunting]
[crowd cheering on TV] Fucking shit! Fucking shit!
Come on, motherfuckers! We can win this!
Kyle, 48 points behind with less than a minute to go.
Oh. [TV off]
That was actually fun, though.
I mean, it sucks that we lost.
Aw, you'll get over it.
Um, so how was your day?
Strange.
But, you know, there was something that I wanted to talk to you about.
Something I didn't share with the group yesterday.
I didn't exactly go cold salami when I decided to turn straight.
There were a few slip-ups. While you were with Tiffani.
Well, yeah. And she's great,
because she understands how pent-up feelings
can just explode if you don't do anything about 'em.
So, it's-- it's okay if one of us makes a mistake every once in a while.
You know, we've even talked about the possibility of...
playing...together.
What, like a three-way? Yeah.
Yeah. I had a three-way once.
What? Yeah, with two girls.
Oh. I guess that counts.
Barely.
We were in this empty farmhouse outside of town.
It was going great, you know.
They had me in the middle. We were kissing.
And then they pulled their panties down and pushed me downtown,
and that's when things started to fall apart.
So you didn't like it?
Well, it wasn't doing much for me. Does that make me gay?
Well, lots of straight guys don't like eating pussy.
I mean, they complain about it all the time. So what happened next?
Well, the situation got worse.
I couldn't, you know.
I couldn't find their clits. You couldn't?
Or G-spots or whatever.
I was down there forever. It was embarrassing.
They laughed at me.
And one of them even called me the Susan Lucci of tongue fucking.
Seventeen attempts and no clit.
I know where it's at. You do?
Yeah. Well, could you show me?
Show you? How do you find it on Tiffani?
How am I supposed to show you that? I don't know. Use your fingers.
How about I use yours?
You know, so you can feel what I'm doing.
This is stupid. No, come on. It'll be fun.
I'll show you my whole routine.
All right. [clears throat]
All right. First,
you gotta start with some little teases.
Breathe on it.
[exhales] Make her squirm.
And then, you just...
[laughing] Which is usually not the reaction that I get.
No, it's-- it's good. It's-- It's good.
In the middle of all of this,
of course,
is the love button.
But most girls go nuts if you just...
dive on in.
That's good.
That's really good.
Sorry I missed the game, guys. What the hell?
I was just showing Troy some tips on the art of cunnilingus.
Not that I need 'em.
Even Melissa Etheridge could learn a thing or two from Kyle.
I gotta get going.
Oh, stay. There's plenty to eat. Yeah, you don't have to go.
Uh, I gotta call it a night.
Thanks for, um, time, Kyle.
Did you see that? One more session like that, and he's gonna explode.
Yeah, if he doesn't explode with Marc first.
[yells] I win!
[chuckling] Oh.
What?
So, uh, when did you first know for sure you were gay?
Mmm. Just now.
No, I had my suspicions when I was, like, 12 or 13.
But I didn't know for sure until a couple years later
when I went down on my first guy.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
What? Being gay?
Yeah.
Imagine that you think you're gonna live your life one way--
you get a job, you get married, get a three-bedroom house--
and then you discover this...thing about yourself.
It opens up a million new options as to how you can live your life.
Suddenly, you don't have those milestones
that straight people have to compare each other against.
You can...choose your own adventure.
I love those books.
Me, too. But aren't you worried
you'll end up all alone and not have any of those things?
Doesn't everyone? Gay or straight?
Sprint you home.
[panting]
And just so you know, Kyle's mom's reaction
to him being straight wasn't awesome.
Huh? Well,
you said it like you were happy for them.
Like that's the way it should be.
My parents are totally cool with me being gay.
Yeah, but are your parents really okay with it?
I bet Kyle's mom grew to be okay with it.
But you saw how happy she was.
And that's what parents really want for their kids.
If you ask, most parents will say
they just want their kids to be happy.
And maybe my mom would be happier if I put my dick somewhere else.
But you've seen those ex-gays. Is that happy?
[sighs] If your parents love you
and they think you're happy, they'll adjust.
I don't think my parents would adjust to me being gay.
They shouldn't have anything to do with it.
You have to be who you are. It's the only way you can live with yourself.
And it's the only way I can live at all.
Did you wanna take a shower?
Talk about getting my creative juices flowing.
I didn't know you were here. Wait. Keep 'em down.
Would you boys let me draw you?
What, together?
No, right where you are. Right now.
I'll call it Proposition.
What do you think? I don't know. It...
It's this or renting a movie. Choose your own adventure.
When I walked in on the two of you, I was, like,
"Fuck this drawing-one-person-at-a-time shit.
If I can capture the tension between these two"...
There was tension? Honey, it was more tense than Star Jones in a training bra.
Now, make that look you had--
surprised, a little turned-on, kind of scared.
No. I don't know.
Stare at Marc's crotch and imagine what he could do to you with that.
Trust me, he could do a lot.
Perfect.
So, uh, you two dated?
Gwen was my last girlfriend. And Marc was my first.
After him, all I ever wanted to date were fags.
I've got an idea. This could take forever,
and I see the potential for something more interesting.
Could I do a series with you guys?
Almost like a story that starts with this scene and goes from there.
What do you think? I don't know.
If I said, "Pose with a woman," you'd totally do it.
It's not like we'd even have time to pose for a series.
I'll take photos and use them to draw from.
Come on. We can be done in minutes,
depending how well you two...connect.
Yeah, but Troy feels uncomfortable.
No. I'll do it.
Perfect. I'll get my camera.
You sure?
Yeah.
Choose your own adventure.
Okay, Troy, sit back down. Marc, off with the pants.
[beeps] Perfect.
Okay, Troy, stand back up with Marc.
I want you to do that same character you were doing.
Like he's a virgin and he wants it, but he's confused.
Can you do that? Yeah.
So, Marc, honey, why don't you get down on one knee
and put your hands underneath...
Yeah, that. [camera beeps]
Actually, raise the shirt a little and lift your head
so you're looking into his eyes.
[camera beeps]
Look like you're in the moment and you want it.
[beeps]
Marc, I want you to stand and take Troy's...
Yeah, that. [camera beeps]
Now, Troy, the removal of the shirt
is one of the hottest moments.
When you know soon you'll be skin on skin,
chest on chest,
lips on lips.
[camera beeps] Marc, toss the shirt aside.
Marc, lick one of Troy's nipples.
Don't worry. It'll feel good.
Yeah. I-- I know.
[camera beeping]
Troy, run your left hand through Marc's hair.
[camera beeps]
Marc, hold it right there.
Troy, pull Marc in.
[camera beeps]
Yeah.
[camera beeps]
Marc, lick his chest up to his neck.
[camera beeps]
[Gwen] How you feeling, Troy?
Really, really good.
Then throw your head back.
[grunts] Sorry.
It's perfect. Stay right there.
Marc, make like you're kissing your way down.
[camera beeping]
How 'bout I do this?
This is hot, right? God, yeah.
You're a natural, Troy.
[camera beeps] Close your eyes.
Marc, move down between his legs and kiss his stomach.
[camera beeping]
Now, Marc, get up so that you're on top of him,
face-to-face.
You can open your eyes if you want.
Hold that pose. Like you're about to kiss.
One of those first kisses
that takes forever before you meet.
Moving closer...
and closer.
[camera beeping]
Shit! What?
My card's full. Hey, look, I wanna keep this going.
You're fine with that, right? Uh-huh.
I'll just go upload 'em in my room.
It'll take 15 minutes. Hold that pose.
I'll be in my room. With the door closed.
[door closes]
I...don't think I can stay like this for 15 minutes.
Me, either.
I-- I know I'm not your type, but...
And I'm not a girl, but we'll improvise.
[moaning]
Oh, that feels so good. [moans]
I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
[grunting]
Wow.
That was...fast.
I'm sorry. It's-- It's been a while.
Plus, I-- I haven't gotten it like that before.
Like that-- meaning with a guy or meaning it was that good?
Here, let me get you a towel. No, wait.
My turn.
[moaning, grunting]
Troy... [groans]
Teeth! Teeth! Sorry. Sorry.
[moans] It's okay.
Oh, yeah! Oh!
[straining] Oh, yeah!
[grunts] All right.
[sighing]
Am I not doing it right?
No, you were fine. I just...
No, I just can't.
Fuck! Why am I so bad at giving oral sex?
No, you were doing great. I just...
I'm sorry.
Is it because I'm not your type?
Troy, you're hot, trust me.
Or, no, don't trust me.
Can you wait one minute?
These are hot.
I can't do it.
But it's going exactly how you wanted.
I just can't do it.
If Kyle wants to pretend to be straight just to have sex with Troy,
that's his prerogative.
I just can't do this anymore.
Well, can we at least finish the photo shoot?
[door closes]
[car departs] Oh, great.
He's probably freaking out about making it with a guy.
He's probably looking for someone who won't cock-tease him.
I know where he's going.
[sighs] I fucked up. What is it?
I had sex with a guy.
Was it Marc?
Oh, my God! That's horrible!
I know. It was.
It was? It was?
I felt so guilty, because...
all I could do was think about you, Kyle.
Really? Yeah. And how I let you down,
and how I let the group down,
and how, more than anything, I just wanted to be with a woman.
Or with a man and a woman.
I don't know. It's so confusing.
[sighs] And then I thought of you two,
and what good friends you've been to me,
and how honest and open you've been about your struggles, Kyle,
and about how you two have...an arrangement.
Wait, wait. Is this too weird?
It's not too weird! It's not too weird!
Ahhh!
[panting] Show me.
Huh? Show me your routine.
Oh. It's gonna go that far, huh?
Three-ways usually do.
I want you to teach me.
Please? I need this.
Well, why don't I do a little mouth magic on you first?
That'll get me all nice and rolling out the welcome mat down there.
No. You two first.
That way, it'll get me ready for what you're gonna do to me.
But you don't want sloppy seconds.
I mean, company should go first.
[whimpers]
That is so hot. [nervous chuckle]
Oh, Kyle, eat me out already. The boy wants to see how it's done.
Please don't make me! Please don't make me!
[grunting]
[lips smacking]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes. That's it.
You can do it. Make Mama proud.
My God, it's like the little homo that could.
Do you wanna try now, please?
Troy? [Kyle gulps]
Where are you going? [gasps]
Well, that certainly didn't taste like sugar and spice.
Troy? What's going on?
It's my pussy. My pussy scared him away!
You little ex-gay sluts!
Oh, my God!
Can we come in, or were you in the middle of dinner?
What are you doing here?
We're not eating pussy. What are the three of you doing?
Well, [gulps]
Kyle was showing Troy the art of cunnilingus.
And he was doing an admirable job.
Yeah, for a gay guy.
Yeah, I know. Everything. And you guys will do anything to get laid.
I ate pussy for nothing?
You deserved it. Hey!
It wasn't that bad.
I'm sorry. I'm horrible.
We're all horrible.
If it's any consolation, it wasn't just about the sex.
We really liked you. Working out with you.
Watching the game. Drawing you.
Well, it doesn't matter now. You think he's gonna wanna have anything to do with us?
Now, what the fucked-up thing is, even though you lied to me
and to each other and to people you don't even know,
I like you...liars.
We like you, too. Yeah, you're so cool.
And I'm sorry. I know I kind of led y'all on with the whole confused thing.
Yeah, so, come on. You've sucked dick and eaten pussy. Which is it?
Well, that's what's been tripping me up all these years.
I thought it had to be one or the other.
After sampling both, I've come to a conclusion.
I'm...bisexual.
[all together] There's no such thing!
Says who? Uh, the laws of nature.
It's like horses fucking gerbils.
Well, then, I'm a freak of nature, and I'm proud of it.
Good. Be proud, bi-boy.
I wish you'd been proud when we met.
Yeah, I guess that's hard when people like you
and Jacob Buchanan tell him how bad it is to be gay.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I should've helped you instead of trying to take advantage
of you not knowing what you were.
So, what do we do now?
We're gonna stop people like me.
No one should take advantage of confused queer kids.
And the sooner we help them see past what it is they don't like in themselves
so they can see all the great things right in front of them,
the better.
He's a homo who fucks things up for other homos. I don't know if that's--
Octavio, if people like him weren't around, everyone would come out.
You would get laid like that. [snaps fingers]
Hmm. I take your point.
I'll do it. And then we make love.
Stop the spread of faggotry.
Wake up and smell the patchouli. You're a dyke.
Help! I'm being recruited!
Convince me you didn't like that. Do your best.
Look, I'm not gonna embrace who I am
just because it's obvious, okay?
What? Everyone's so cool with being gay.
"Will and Grace this, Clay Aiken that."
Well, I'm not gonna be labeled.
You're not convincing me.
Okay, I'm gay. Now shut up and kiss me.
I'm not gay. Then what do you want?
I want us to make art.
That is so...hot.
God, you are a lesbian.
[Kyle] Mom?
What are you doing here?
What's wrong? Nothing.
No. What? I've never seen you this upset.
[sniffles]
I was at the beauty shop,
and I was looking through a magazine,
and I saw that the Oscars are coming up.
Well, I thought, who am I gonna watch the Oscars with?
And then that Britney Aguilera song came on.
You know, that one about you're beautiful, even if you're ugly and gay?
And I thought, who is gonna play me this shitty music?
And who is gonna take me dancing when I've had a bad date?
Oh, Mom, come on. Oh, no, you stop.
You're gonna get married and have kids, for Christ's sake.
I'm gonna visit with my girlfriend,
and all we're gonna talk about is our grandchildren.
And that is so boring!
And, Kyle,
you have never been boring,
and that is because you're gay.
You're a fag,
and I want my little faggot back!
Mom, he is back.
[sobbing] Honey.
[tape ripping]
Did my vagina scare you away? What?
The other night. You ran away the second you saw my vagina.
Don't be crazy. I think you have a very sexy vagina.
Well, you sure know how to charm a girl.
[tape ripping] There.
This port-a-potty's ready to roll.
Stop the spread of faggotry. I got his precious BlackBerry. We have five minutes.
All right. Now, do what you gotta do, but be quick about it.
[Octavio on phone] Cool. It shouldn't take more than a couple of minutes.
Hi. Hey.
So, you wanna--
Got it.
Perfect. Now get your ass at the parking lot, pronto.
This is turning me on. Stop the spread of faggotry.
Octavio, aren't you going to the big presentation?
Oh, yeah. But it's not till 1:00.
It's in five minutes.
It's at 1:00. Check your schedule.
Oh. I could've sworn it was...
So, it looks like you have some time to kill, huh?
Well, you know, there's plenty of work to be done.
Oh, that's...too bad.
Hi. Are you here for Coming In?
Yes, we are. Where's Jacob?
I'm Linda, his mother. Oh, Mrs. Buchanan, so nice to meet you.
I'm Kyle, one of Jacob's right-hand men.
He's running a little late, but he did say to go ahead and start without him.
Huh. Jacob's never mentioned you.
Oh, well, that's probably because he's been so busy
talking about all the girls he's been dating, huh?
[laughs]
No.
No kissing.
[chuckles] You like it nasty, huh?
[moans]
[moaning]
Today, I am proud to present
the fruits of my son's labor.
But more than that,
I am excited to see the swelling
of Coming In.
As the homosexual threat
seems to be swelling exponentially,
it is people like my son Jacob
who continues to thrust our crusade into the spotlight.
Oh, yes. I have wanted this
[unzipping] for so long.
Shh. Shh. No. I want to be loud.
It's dangerous. It's hot.
Open this. And shut up.
Jacob has always been a beacon of light.
When he came to me as a teenager and told me of his inner demons,
I knew we could destroy them with loving support
and a strong fist.
Oh, you're gonna split me in two, aren't you?
[moans, grunts]
And we have!
Today, Jacob dates girls! And he likes dating girls.
Jacob proves that if you can fight it, you can hide it.
And if you can hide it, you can bury it!
Thank you.
[Jacob moans]
[no audible dialogue]
[moans] What was that? That was me.
Oh, God, it was?
Oh, God, it is you!
In keeping with the themes that you've mentioned, Linda, we've commissioned
local artist Gwen Anderson and Coming In member Violet Muffdaver
to portray the revolting and immoral acts of homosexuality
in a new and compelling campaign, which we'd like to present to you now.
Gwen.
[Jacob, Octavio moaning] [squeaking]
[moaning continues] [squeaking continues]
Members of the student press, heterosexuals,
and those who want to be,
we present Coming In's newest ad campaign.
[all gasp]
"Gay sex sucks." [Guests murmuring]
Oh, God! Oh, baby!
This...is...
absolutely revolting!
Where is Jacob?
Oh, baby, I'm so close.
Where is my son? [Jacob yelling]
I'm going to find Jacob,
and when he's through with you... [Jacob] Oh, God! Oh!
Oh, baby! So close! So close!
[moaning loudly] Oh, baby!
So close! So close! [moaning continues]
Jacob?
Oh, I'm coming!
[all gasp]
[moans] [Guests murmuring]
[Man whispers] That's Jacob!
Oh!
Mommy?
[vomits] [groans]
Get this off of me.
[Man] Terrible.
Yep, he's gay.
[Linda] And zip up, Jacob.
Gwen, I was wondering if I could maybe model for you sometime.
Me, too.
[both chuckle]
I didn't know outing someone could be so much fun.
[Jacob] This is who I am... [continues, indistinct]
Listen, Tiffani, uh,
I don't know how you feel about the whole...bisexual thing.
Well, I let my ex-boyfriend's gay roommate go down on me.
I'm a pretty open person. Yeah, well,
you know how you and Kyle were pretending to have an arrangement?
You mean the three-ways?
Yeah.
Um, how would you feel
if you really had that with me?
Because...I'd be honored to be your boyfriend.
No one's ever said that to me before. [giggles]
You know, you went above and beyond the call of duty.
[chuckles] No. That was hot.
And now I think it's time for you to repay me for my services.
Oh, Octavio, I don't think-- I won't take no for an answer.
No.
Well, that was easy. I'm out of here.
You come back here, and you talk... No. You know what, Mom?
I'm glad you caught me.
I'm gay, and Octavio...
[corrects pronunciation] Octavio.
Well, he's my lover. [scoffs]
[Guests gasping, murmuring]
Well, we're off for a fuck. Seems like everybody is.
Just do me one favor. Yeah?
Lead him to the clit. Oh, honey,
from the waist down, it's all clit. [laughs]
That's how I do it.
You know what? These lies I get us into
really have a way of working out.
Yeah. Perfect.
Remember how when you and Marc were fighting over Troy,
you tapped into some unknown confidence none of us knew you had?
Yeah.
Use it.
[footsteps approaching]
So, the plan worked.
Everyone seems to be happy.
So, Octavio, huh?
Oh, please. There's nothing there.
Just a friend I had sex with once.
Looks like you went out and made some hot friends.
Yeah. I got more social.
It does make you jealous.
[chuckles] What?
When Troy left last night, I knew where he was going.
The same place I used to go when I had a problem I needed to talk about.
I got jealous. [chuckles]
So,
do you think that you can find it in your heart to love somebody
who pretended to be straight just to get laid?
I don't know.
Can you love someone who flirted with way too many guys
while he was your boyfriend?
Can you love somebody whose last sexual act involved eating pussy?
Can you love someone who--
Wait. Being a flirt was my only flaw, right?
I don't know. I lost count.
You brushed your teeth, right?
Does that turn you on as much as I think it does?
Yeah.
But that doesn't mean I'm not open to new experiences.
Come here.
Better than boys?
Different.
Different rocks.
¶ [pop rock]
[Man] ¶ You say that you're in
¶ You say that you're out
¶ So now that it's clear
¶ Then there really is no doubt ¶
¶ It's only half the story
¶ You say that you'll leave
¶ You say that you'll stay
¶ And so I believe
¶ Every single word you say
¶ Is only half the story
¶ If you're only telling me half the story ¶
¶ Then I only trust half of you ¶
¶ If you're only telling me half the story ¶
¶ Just tell me which half is true ¶
[moaning loudly]
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[sighing]
Did I do good? Yes, baby, you did good.
All right. Time for thirds.
¶ [continues]
¶ I say I love you
¶ You say you love me
¶ It's our fairy tale
¶ We can make it end happily
¶ So let's rewrite the story
¶ If you're only telling me half the story ¶
¶ Which half are you gonna stick to ¶
¶ If you start telling me all the story ¶
¶ I'll start a new story with you ¶
¶ If you're only telling me half the story ¶
¶ Then I only trust half of you ¶
¶ If you're only telling me half the story ¶
¶ Just tell me which half is true ¶
¶ If you're only telling me half the story ¶
¶ Which half are you gonna stick to ¶
¶ If you start telling me all the story ¶
¶ I'll start a new story with you ¶
¶ [ends]
[Man] ¶ You make it better
¶ When we are together
¶ Yeah, you make it better
¶ Every day
¶ You make it better
¶ When we are together
¶ Yeah, you make it better
¶ Every day
Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
Oh, God!
I am gay.
Oh!